Stepfamily Success

Stepfamily Success

by Marianne Vaughn, LMFT

Every family has challenges, but stepfamilies face distinct challenges that are built into the architecture of the stepfamily life. Recently, a couple shared with me, “We never knew we could be so happy in marriage! We were so hopeful that with this new beginning, we could finally have the kind of marriage and family we have always wanted. But our challenges as a stepfamily feel overwhelming, and we feel discouraged and stuck.” This sentiment is common, and we can find clarity as we understand how first-time families and stepfamilies are different, as well as the challenges that stepfamilies universally face. 

When we take on a new endeavor, we tend to draw from what we already know. Often, new stepcouples naturally use their experience in first-time families to guide them in building a new stepfamily. When all their love, hopes, and good intentions seem to be in vain, confusion and discouragement can set in. As we address the key differences between first-time families and stepfamilies in therapy, I often hear couples say with relief, “No wonder it’s been so difficult. We have been trying so hard, but we just didn’t have the right blueprint!” 

First-Time Family vs. Stepfamily Blueprints

In first-time families, the couple has time together without children to connect, create shared patterns, and iron out wrinkles in their relationship. Children are born hard-wired for attachment with each of their parents, and parents are hard-wired for connection with their children. New babies join the family with no preconceived notions about families, open to learning and growing within the family. 

If a first-time family separates, each member of the family experiences losses. Also, new traditions evolve. One family shared with me that in mom’s new home, the kids delighted in nightly dance parties with her in the kitchen before bed. When all goes well, single-parent families adjust to new roles and patterns within this new structure.

Challenge #1: Insider/Outsider Positions

When a stepparent joins the single-parent family, they enter as an outsider; the single parent and the children are the insiders, and often these bonds have become very close. This presents challenges that many couples don’t anticipate. Couples who are deeply in love and yearn for children to readily accept a stepparent may feel disappointed by a child’s resistance. A parent might feel when hurt or discouraged when the stepparent doesn’t adore their stepchildren children like the parent does. A stepparent may feel unimportant to their spouse as they tend to the needs of their biological children.

The insider/outsider challenge begins early on for stepcouples, and the stepfamily structure can reinforce and maintain them. It is a dynamic that endures but can be lessened over time. 

How to Soften Insider/Outsider Positions

• It is imperative for partners to discuss their feelings about their insider and outsider positions openly with each other. This lends comfort and support to each partner and strengthens the relationship. The difficult feelings that come with these positions do not go away when left alone. They can only be resolved by intentionally talking about them together. 

• Normalize behavior that goes along with insider/outsider roles in stepfamilies, rather than pathologizing the behavior. It’s predictable and normal for outsiders to feel neglected. It’s normal for insiders to feel divided and anxious as they balance taking care of all the people they love within a stepfamily. 

• Intentionally create one-on-one time. Each individual relationship in a stepfamily needs opportunities to connect. Not only do couples need time alone together. Also, parents need to make one-on-one time with each child, and stepparents need one-on-one time with each stepchild.

• Creating patterns, traditions and memories that include everyone in the stepfamily can strengthen each relationship. Going to the library with young children and going on a hike with older children are examples of ways to appeal to a range of ages. Also, family activities like vacations that everyone enjoys can bring unity and positive memories to strengthen the family as a whole. 

If you are feeling stuck in an insider or outsider position, or if other stepfamily dynamics feel overwhelming, a skilled therapist can help to facilitate open communication, resolve differences, or to heal old wounds so that adjusting to stepfamily life can feel easier. 

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Marianne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes in the value of healthy, supportive relationships for ideal individual, couple and family functioning. Specializing in couples therapy, she uses her advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen connections and heal from relational pain. Marianne is especially passionate about helping her clients with divorce adjustment, remarriage and stepfamilies.

Baby Blues

Are You Suffering from the Baby Blues?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Postpartum Depression is a type of depression someone might develop after the birth of their baby. It can start any time after the birth, and last up to two years. We also know that some individuals can develop symptoms during their pregnancy, which is called Perinatal Mood Disorder.

Is there a difference between Postpartum Depression and Baby Blues?

Baby Blues are short term, with most women seeing improvement after about three weeks. Symptoms such as irritability, feeling overwhelmed, weeping and exhaustion are tolerable, meaning the emotional instability doesn’t interfere with caring for the baby or themselves. About 80% of women will experience symptoms of Baby Blues.

Postpartum Depression, however, lasts longer (up to two years after the birth of baby). Symptoms are usually more severe, and can include excessive worrying, feeling anxious, anger, disconnection from family and/or baby, irritability, agitation, appetite change, sleep changes (not being able to sleep when baby sleeps, or sleeping too much), tearfulness, difficulty concentrating, guilt or shame. This can lead moms to have a difficult time caring for the baby or for themselves.  About 10-20% women experience Postpartum Depression.

Some women might also develop panic, PTSD, OCD and/or Postpartum Psychosis.

• Some signs of panic include feeling worried, nervous and/or anxious most of the time. Some individuals might also experience panic attacks, which can often feel like having a heart attack.

• PTSD might develop during the pregnancy or following a childbirth that has been perceived as a traumatic experience. 

• OCD symptoms can include intrusive or disturbing thoughts. There is usually a hyper-vigilance about keeping the baby safe, which leads to repetitive actions in order to reduce fear.

• Although Postpartum Psychosis occurs less frequently (in about 1% to 3% women), it requires immediate intervention. Symptoms can include hallucinations, inability to sleep, strange beliefs, rapid mood changes, agitation, irritability and/or poor decision making. 

Who is at risk?

• Data shows that teenage moms are at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression than older moms. It is important to note, however, that all women, and sometimes even fathers, can experience perinatal mood disorders.

• Individuals who struggled with mental health issues previously are also at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression.

If you or a loved one experience any of the symptoms mentioned, please reach out for help. Know that you are not alone, and that with professional guidance symptoms can decrease. Talk to your medical provider and seek professional counseling with someone who is trained to understand perinatal mood disorders.

Another important resource is the Maternal Mental Health organization in Utah:
https://mihp.utah.gov/maternal-mental-health

I would love to help, too! I am trained in perinatal mood disorders and would be honored to work with you. You can reach me by emailing carina[@]theeftclinic.com.

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References:

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-basics#1

https://www.psiutah.org/emotional-health/signs-symtoms/

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Carina is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. She earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and her Masters of Social Work degree. Carina has great passion for therapy, and strives to provide a safe and non-judgmental environment where individuals and couples are met with empathy. She uses a client-centered approach to meet each individual’s needs. Using approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and mindfulness, Carina helps clients realize that when they know better they do better.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call 385-695-5949 or email carina@theeftclinic.com.

The Impact of Providing and Receiving Validation

The Impact of Providing and Receiving Validation

Dr. Anthony T. Alonzo, LMFT, CFLE

Validation was never meant to resolve issues or help us directly make decisions. However, in our society, it has become a mechanism which is carefully restricted and thus limits our ability to access genuine human connection with those whom we come into contact on a daily basis.

In my work with couples in therapy, I often ask one partner to validate the other when they share something significant, heartfelt, or important.  The initial response all too often includes something quite different from validation. In this article, I invite you to explore with me a different way of delivering and receiving validation in your interactions with others.

In our society, we are essentially taught that expressing validation conveys agreement. Think about it for a minute. When is the last time you provided validation? Most likely, it was when you felt comfortable conveying agreement, permission, or acknowledgement that you shared a similar view, outlook, thought, or emotion. Another way to look at the societal view of validation is to consider the recent moments where you withheld providing validation. We typically do this when we do not want others to interpret our validation as admitting that they are right, or that we are not in agreement with their perspective.

Let me provide a different definition for validation: What if you could consider that validation simply means we acknowledge that another individuals reality is real for them? This means that the way someone else thinks, feels, believes, or experiences their life is valid for them. How would this change the way you use validation in your interactions with others?

While it does feel reassuring to have people agree with you, I propose that it is entirely fulfilling and rewarding to receive validation from others when they simply acknowledge and recognize that your reality is real for you. Validation is a reassurance of your personhood, and reinforces your own existence. We are all unique, and at the same time, experience very similar conditions, situations, and perspectives which help us to relate to one another. The ability to provide and receive validation enables us to establish the foundation of interactions which lead to more effective communication, finding solutions, and defining our collaboration with others.

The next time you are in a conversation with someone, give validation a try by simply acknowledging that their thought, emotion, perspective, or experience is real for them. Don’t worry about them taking it as agreement or permission. It can be even more powerful if they know you see things differently, but that you are willing to validate them anyway.

When I work with couples who learn this approach to validating, I typically challenge them to validate each other until their partner says that they have had enough validation for the day. We typically laugh, but I have never had a client say that they couldn’t tolerate any more validation from their partner.

Dr. Anthony T. Alonzo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Salt Lake City and a friend of The EFT Clinic. More information about Dr. Alonzo can be found on Psychology Today.

How to Support Moms Pre, During, and Post Pregnancy

How To Support Moms Pre, During, and Post Pregnancy

By Misty DeMann, LMFT

Maternal Mental Health disorders, like perinatal (during pregnancy) and postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis are the number one most common complication of pregnancy and childbirth. During this time women are more likely to experience a mental illness than they are to develop gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. With mental illness being the most common complication for pregnant and postpartum women, you would think that doctor’s offices and hospitals would screen for Maternal Mental Health Disorders. Unfortunately, little is being done to assess for and treat these complications.

It is likely that someone close to you—perhaps even yourself—has experienced some sort of shift in mental health either pre, during, or post pregnancy. Whether it is the “Baby Blues”, postpartum depression, anxiety, psychosis, or another emotional disorder, there are things you can do to help a struggling mother in your life.

Consider the acronym SNOWBALL from the Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative (now PSI-Utah):

Sleep

Nutrition

Omega 3s

Walk

Baby Breaks

Adult Time

Liquids

Laughter

SLEEP: We all need sleep to be able to function physically, mentally, and emotionally. Offering to watch the baby during the day so that Mom can get a decent stretch of sleep can go a long way for her mental and physical health.

NUTRITION: Vitamins and supplements help ensure that Mom is getting all the nutrients she needs in her diet, especially if she is breastfeeding. Balanced and nutritious meals are another way to help Mom maintain her physical and mental health, but preparing meals require time and energy, something not always readily available for a new mother. Help a mom meal prep or bring her a nutritious meal to share with her family.

OMEGA3s: Encourage Mom to take a fish oil supplement which can prevent and treat anxiety and depression.

WALK: Take Mom for a walk or invite her to do something active. Exercise improves not only physical but mental and emotional health and gives new moms an opportunity to get out of the house.

BABY BREAKS: Offer to watch the baby, even if it’s for a short time. Doing this gives Mom a break and time to focus on herself and engage in some precious self-care.

ADULT TIME: Invite Mom do to something with you and other adults. We need social interaction, outside of children, to share how we feel and find connection. 

LIQUIDS: Remind Mom to drink and fill up her water for her. Dehydration can escalate symptoms of anxiety and depression. 

LAUGHTER: Send Mom a funny video, talk with her lightheartedly, and remind her to play. Laughter can help alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression (Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative, 2015).

If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of a Maternal Mental Health Disorder, reach out to a Mental Health Professional or Medical Doctor. If you or someone you care about is in crisis please consider calling these available resources:

UNI’s Crisis Line:  (801) 587-3000

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Postpartum Support International HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 or Text Message: 503-894-9453

Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative (2015). Moms mental health matters. Retrieved from  https://www.psiutah.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/UMMHCWellnesstips.docx.pdf

Vulnerability Pays Big Dividends

Vulnerability Pays Big Dividends

By Ed Peterson, LCSW, MBA

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson brilliantly sums up what happens when couples get stuck in negative and reactive cycles: “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” Dr. Johnson goes on to talk about the healing power of love and emotional responsiveness in a love relationship: “Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.”  

The father of Attachment Theory, British Psychiatrist John Bowlby, summed up what Attachment Theory teaches us about the key relationships in our lives: “The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature.“ Bowlby also wrote on how relationships with key “others” are vitally important in the growth and health of all individuals.

Given this information, here are some conclusions about vulnerability:

Attachment Theory teaches us that key relationships (in childhood with an adult care-giver and in adult romantic partners) play a huge part in the human development of a safe haven and the strong ability to be in the world and take risks; the risks are tolerable because the person knows that their partner has their back emotionally and will be there when they reach out in need.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a highly effective couples therapy modality that focuses on helping clients learn to communicate the softer primary emotions (think vulnerability, or the need for acceptance) that always lie underneath the more surface emotions (think anger, contempt, and defensiveness) that put us in a negative cycle of hurt and disconnection.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) brilliantly supports couples to share their vulnerabilities, which leads to the creation of an emotional “safe haven” and a strong bond that can stand firm in the face of life’s many difficult emotional challenges.