Anxiety & Anger

/ The EFT Clinic/

What is the purpose of anxiety and anger?

by Moriah Mason, CSW

As humans, we all have felt painful or uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety and anger. It is helpful to realize, however, that most of the time, anxiety and anger are secondary emotions. This means that they are reactions to another powerful emotion that we are feeling. If you can pause, take a deep breath, and then ask yourself “What is really going on here?” The answer is usually not that you are feeling anxiety and anger, but that maybe you are feeling sad or fearful. When someone hurts you, all the feelings you feel are valid. Let them guide you to how you are really feeling and have compassion for yourself. If you can imagine a child coming to you feeling scared and lonely and how kind and loving you would be to them, it can help you be more patient and accepting with yourself. You deserve to be treated that way as well. 

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a person’s reaction to a situation that threatens their well-being.  Anxiety symptoms can vary depending on the person and the situation. You might first notice the changes in your body-shortness of breath, a tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, sweating, trouble sleeping, tenseness in your muscles, or even a headache. 

What is anger?


Anger is described as an emotional state that arises from a difficult situation. Some signs of anger include reacting by yelling, withdrawing, storming out of a room, experiencing a panic attack, crying, or doing something impulsive. 

What is the purpose of anxiety?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, tells us that in many ways, our brains have still not evolved from the ways of thinking that our cavemen ancestors did. Cavemen were always on the lookout for danger because resources were scarce. It was also important for ancient people to have a community to survive. When we feel rejected, lonely, scared, or threatened we are activating those same parts of our brains that have been triggered for thousands of years. While experiencing these emotions is not a pleasant experience, they can tell us important information about ourselves. So what can we do with this information?

First, it’s important to realize that when you feel these unpleasant emotions- it is your brain’s way of protecting you. Our minds are always looking out for us. And while that doesn’t stop us from the discomfort, it can help us recognize what is happening. One way that I like to help myself when I feel anxious is by thanking my brain, as silly as that sounds. I recognize the emotion and then thank my brain for looking out for me. I would mentally or out loud say to myself “I am feeling anxious right now. Thank you brain for having my back.”

Lastly, let your emotions tell you about yourself. Chances are if you are feeling anxiety and anger about something, it means a lot to you. Of course you will be upset if those valuable things in your life are threatened! If you are someone who tries to talk yourself out of feeling your emotions or feels shame when you feel anxiety and anger, you can validate yourself by knowing that you deeply care about something. How lucky you are to feel passionately about people or aspects of your life. What a gift.

Feeling “negative” emotions is uncomfortable, but extremely important in order to move through life in a healthy way, keep your mental health in check, practice self-care, and learn about yourself. The next time you feel these feelings rise up, don’t be afraid to pause and acknowledge the emotion, thank your brain for looking out for you, and see what you can learn from them. 

Shame: What is it and why is it harmful?

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior”. It can stem from making mistakes, doing something that goes against our values, or embarrassment. It’s such an unpleasant feeling that it causes us to make harsh judgments about ourselves. Brene Brown has become a modern expert on shame, having spent years studying it. She has talked about how shame tells us that we are “bad” rather than we “did something bad”. Shame can be a very unhelpful emotion in our progress to grow and become better people. 

What can we do when we start to spiral with shame? Our human brains often default to criticism, but shame can increase the pain we are already experiencing from the mistakes we make. Here are some ideas for helping you not get caught up in this dangerous emotion:

  • Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Chances are they’ve felt similar feelings and can offer you empathy. Empathy helps you know that you are alone.

  • Part of forgiving yourself involves learning from your mistakes. What can you take away from this experience to become a better person?

  • Close your eyes and imagine someone you love feeling the way you do. What would you say to them? Can you repeat those words to yourself until they start to sink in?

  • Remember that beating yourself up does not change what happened, it only makes you feel even worse. 

  • Think about how you are made of many parts and facets. You are much more than what you did.

  • Often our challenges overshadow the good things that happen. Make a list of the value you bring to others and to the world. 

  • Allow yourself to feel sad for what you did but extend yourself enough kindness to remember that it is not your identity.

 
 

Moriah Mason is offering weekday and evening therapy sessions at The EFT Clinic’s Millcreek location. To schedule a session with Moriah, email moriah@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Emotions: The Not-So-Obvious

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The Not-So-Obvious about Emotions

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

When an emotion arises, our automatic response is to go to our heads. We jump into a story that goes along with the feeling. For example — if we feel lonely, we jump into a story about a time we felt lonely. We often don't even use the word ‘lonely.’ Our loved ones or our friends might even miss the real point of the story. We need help with loneliness. Instead, frequently, they jump into their perspective, which creates even more loneliness for us. We weren’t understood.

Why weren’t we understood? Because we are thinking our feelings away. Instead, redirect your attention from the thoughts in your head to the physical sensations in your body. Name them. My chest feels empty like there is a hole in it. This is loneliness. Breathe through the sensations and try to lean into it. Accept that it is there. Just observing rather than trying to change anything. It might be really painful at first, especially if this has been your go-to mechanism for a while. You might have some built-up emotion that wants to come out at first. Try reminding yourself that the emotion will be like a wave. It will hurt. It will knock you down at first. If you go with the current rather than fight against it, the current will pull you back up. Lean back into the emotion. If it’s too much, try doing it for 2 seconds at a time. Next time, try 5 seconds. The ideal would be to keep increasing this amount until you feel the emotion physically release from your body. This would feel like peace, comfort, happiness, relief. Your mind will immediately want to jump back into stories. Keep gently directing your thoughts back to your physical sensations. 

Conclusion:
Our emotions are physical sensations, not thoughts. We can’t release them without focusing on the physical sensations. By sharing the physical sensations rather than sharing the stories, we can create connection.

Challenge:
The next time a hard emotion comes up for you, try taking what happens inside your body to your partner or a trusted loved one. Rather than hearing you did this, that trusted loved one may be able to sit with you and validate what you’re going through. This creates secure connection versus a negative cycle.

 
 

Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. She specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families in distress, to help them recognize the underlying emotions that haven’t been expressed and relationship needs that are not being met.
To schedule an appointment, email dani@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

"I'm Not Mad!"

/ The EFT Clinic/

“I’M NOT MAD!”
The critical role of anger in the healing process.

by Ben Kroff, LMFT

I was getting destroyed by my brother. There was nothing I could do to return his quick hits, impossible spins, and relentless assaults. I was going to lose again. He was simply a more skilled and experienced ping-pong player than I was. I was quickly losing my composure, my mind, my body, and my emotions were unraveling under the distress of trying to compete against an older and more accomplished opponent.

Noticing my increasing despair and frustration, my brother began laughing. “Ha ha, you’re getting mad.” In my 15 year-old cockiness, I denied his assertion. “I’m not mad,” I calmly replied, trying to maintain a cool, collected exterior. I wasn’t fooling anyone. He could still sense my duress and continued to chuckle as I would make increasing expressions of anger about my impending demise.

I was afraid. I was frustrated. I was embarrassed that I was losing, and ashamed of my inferior skills. I wondered if I would ever be as good as him, or if I should ever attempt to play this stupid game again. I questioned why I was so gullible as to agree to engage in this exercise of futility in the first place. I began to question my life’s decisions, and even my worth as person. Why did I decide to enter into a relationship where I am now feeling beaten, embarrassed and inadequate?

That is what was really happening. Those were the difficult emotions that I was feeling swirling around in my head and heart, and literally coursing through my veins (or my nervous system, to be more scientifically accurate). That is what I was feeling. But how would I know that, let alone express that in the heat of battle? All I could say to my brother in response to his astute observation is, “I’M NOT MAD!”

Being “mad” or feeling anger is a secondary emotion. It is a response to a primary emotion, or a deeper emotion. When we are feeling or expressing anger, we are experiencing a response to pain. When we stub a toe we yell out in pain; we feel angry that we are hurt. We respond the same way to emotional pain. We may feel embarrassed, lonely, forgotten, rejected, dismissed, overlooked, unloved, left out, confused, etc., and we respond by getting angry.

It is often hard to recognize those deeper, softer, primary emotions, but it is easy to recognize anger. This is why anger is so important! Anger sends up a red flag. It tells us, “Hey, I’m hurt!” When we can notice anger for what it is — a pain response — we can pause, be curious, discover the deeper primary emotion that is hurt, and begin to heal.

To learn more about these important secondary or deeper emotions, and learn how to use anger to discover pain and begin healing, call and schedule with me today.

 
 

Ben is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. He specializes in working with struggling teens, young adults, and families. With a background of serving youth in custody, Ben has successfully helped clients deal with addiction, aggression, decision making, relationship management, and self-esteem. In addition to Emotionally Focused Therapy, he is experienced in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Aggression Replacement Training.
To schedule an appointment, email ben@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Grieving the Living

/ The EFT Clinic/
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Grieving
the Living: Losing the Attachment We Once Shared with
a Loved One 

by Tracey Bean, LMFT

As I watch the huge tears collect in my daughter’s eyes and drop onto her cheeks after the breakup with her boyfriend, my heart breaks for her. As I empathize with her experience, it reminds me of the feelings I felt when I was grieving the death of a loved one.

My daughter is experiencing “Ambiguous Grief,” which is described as the loss of a relationship with a person who’s still alive accompanied by a change in (or death of) the relationship. These relationships can be romantic or familial, or even a friendship. Romantic relationships may end in divorce or breakup, friendships rupture, and family members become estranged after a falling out. The loss may be particularly painful around holidays, anniversaries, and other family celebrations, when the person’s absence feels especially painful. The pain comes from the fact that our relationships become a part of us, so when we lose the relationship we lose part of ourselves. 

Self-blame and questioning are part of what’s most problematic when mourning the living. How much was I at fault? Could the relationship be mended? Is it worth trying again? It may not even be clear what fractured the relationship. 

If you’re mourning a living person, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need to process the emotions and expect there to be emotional ups and downs. Human relationships are complex, so expect difficulty when a relationship unravels.

It is important to understand that when you are hurting, you need to surround yourself with people you love, and share with them your experience so they can support you. Writing about your feelings can be very therapeutic; you can even write a letter to the person you’re mourning, without sending it to them.  With so many emotions taking up space in your heart and head, the goal is to let yourself express and understand these emotions. 

One word of caution… resist the urge to check the person’s social media posts. When you see the carefully curated version of their life that they share on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, these posts/photos will usually only distress you.

As I comfort my daughter, I am also aware of the important life lessons she will learn through this experience. These painful experiences teach us about ourselves and others, helps us solidify our values, remind us of our humanity, promote compassion for ourselves and others, teach us the value of forgiveness, and can reveal new insight. Ask yourself what you have learned through this experience and remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

 
 

Tracey is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes deeply in the therapeutic process. Through improving relationships, one can enhance and improve overall well-being. Tracey’s goal is to help clients obtain deeper intimacy in their relationships and bring joy to their lives. Through hard work and motivation to change, one can achieve a better life experience. Tracey works with couples, families and teens to best navigate through problems and relationship issues such as life-stage transitions, infidelity, remarriage, and mental or behavioral issues in family members. She also works with individuals who struggle with issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and self-esteem.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Tracey, please call 385-695-5949 or email tracey@theeftclinic.com.

Baby Blues

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Are You Suffering from the Baby Blues?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Postpartum Depression is a type of depression someone might develop after the birth of their baby. It can start any time after the birth, and last up to two years. We also know that some individuals can develop symptoms during their pregnancy, which is called Perinatal Mood Disorder.

Is there a difference between Postpartum Depression and Baby Blues?

Baby Blues are short term, with most women seeing improvement after about three weeks. Symptoms such as irritability, feeling overwhelmed, weeping and exhaustion are tolerable, meaning the emotional instability doesn’t interfere with caring for the baby or themselves. About 80% of women will experience symptoms of Baby Blues.

Postpartum Depression, however, lasts longer (up to two years after the birth of baby). Symptoms are usually more severe, and can include excessive worrying, feeling anxious, anger, disconnection from family and/or baby, irritability, agitation, appetite change, sleep changes (not being able to sleep when baby sleeps, or sleeping too much), tearfulness, difficulty concentrating, guilt or shame. This can lead moms to have a difficult time caring for the baby or for themselves.  About 10-20% women experience Postpartum Depression.

Some women might also develop panic, PTSD, OCD and/or Postpartum Psychosis.

  • Some signs of panic include feeling worried, nervous and/or anxious most of the time. Some individuals might also experience panic attacks, which can often feel like having a heart attack.

  • PTSD might develop during the pregnancy or following a childbirth that has been perceived as a traumatic experience. 

  • OCD symptoms can include intrusive or disturbing thoughts. There is usually a hyper-vigilance about keeping the baby safe, which leads to repetitive actions in order to reduce fear.

  • Although Postpartum Psychosis occurs less frequently (in about 1% to 3% women), it requires immediate intervention. Symptoms can include hallucinations, inability to sleep, strange beliefs, rapid mood changes, agitation, irritability and/or poor decision making. 

Who is at risk?

  • Data shows that teenage moms are at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression than older moms. It is important to note, however, that all women, and sometimes even fathers, can experience perinatal mood disorders.

  • Individuals who struggled with mental health issues previously are also at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression.

If you or a loved one experience any of the symptoms mentioned, please reach out for help. Know that you are not alone, and that with professional guidance symptoms can decrease. Talk to your medical provider and seek professional counseling with someone who is trained to understand perinatal mood disorders.

Another important resource is the Maternal Mental Health organization in Utah:
https://mihp.utah.gov/maternal-mental-health

I would love to help, too! I am trained in perinatal mood disorders and would be honored to work with you. You can reach me by emailing carina[@]theeftclinic.com.

References:

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-basics#1

https://www.psiutah.org/emotional-health/signs-symtoms/

 
 

Carina is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. She earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and her Masters of Social Work degree. Carina has great passion for therapy, and strives to provide a safe and non-judgmental environment where individuals and couples are met with empathy. She uses a client-centered approach to meet each individual’s needs. Using approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and mindfulness, Carina helps clients realize that when they know better they do better.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call 385-695-5949 or email carina@theeftclinic.com.