Do I Matter?
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Do I Matter?
Ben Kroff, LMFT
If you've never seen "The Still Face Experiment," please click the link or scroll down to view it now! It will forever change the way you interact with your children, grandchildren, or significant other. The video shows how distressing it is for an infant to feel disconnected from a caregiver. The visible distress that overtakes the little ones is heartbreaking and incredibly insightful!
Human beings are designed to thrive through connection to other human beings. As mature adults, we cannot pretend that we no longer need this connection. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is something known as the “$64 million dollar question”. That question is, "Do I matter?" What happens when we feel like we don't matter? We fall into distress just like the little babies did in the "Still Face Experiment" and we begin fussing and crying out for attention.
Have you ever been on a phone call and had your little one immediately begin tugging at your pant leg? They have sensed your shift in attention. You are no longer available so they begin doing all they can to get you reconnected to them.
What are you doing to reassure those who you value that you are available and responsive to them? Do you see how desperately they are trying to get you to connect? Notice the similarity of the parents' facial expression when they are non-responsive to their children. Now picture what your face may look like if you are glued to your phone or otherwise distracted while your child makes a bid for your attention. I imagine it looks very similar to the still face of the parents in the video.
Let's practice putting down our distractions, turning toward each other, and connecting. Let's look at our loved ones when they speak to us. Let's show by our focused attention to others that they matter to us. This small change will do miracles in calming the conflict in our relationships.
Ben is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at the EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. To schedule an appointment with Ben, you can email ben@theeftclinic.com or call 385-695-5949.